Friday, 15 June 2012

Day Boat on Loch Lomond

AnElephantCant possibly do justice
He doesn’t have the gift of the gab
But he’ll show you some pics
And a few rhyming tricks
To describe his adventure on the Day Boat BigRab

Another magical trip on Loch Lomond
The most beautiful place on this earth
Amidst towering Bens
And glaciated Glens
This Elephant sightsaw for all he was worth

We set out early morning from Balloch
A wee town at the southernmost end
The Maid of the Loch is berthed there
Awaiting tender loving care
A bonnie boat that we highly commend

The water was just a tad choppy
As we headed into the teeth of a breeze
We are really quite tough
And it wasn’t so rough
We’ve caused bigger waves with AnElephant’s sneeze

The boat floated serene through The Narrows
An idyll of wondrous tranquillity
This place gladdens the heart
Makes you feel you are part
Of some vast cosmic invulnerability

We came ashore on the beach at Inchconnachan
Which means Island of the Colquouns
It is home to a colony
Of Australian Wallaby
But with us they refused to commune

We headed over to Luss for some breakfast
And tied our wee boat to the pier there
Rolls ‘n’ sausage and tea
And homemade tablet you see
In the shop at the pier it’s not dear there

So another great day on the water
With our captain who we need to thank
Between us and you
We are not much of a crew
But not once did he make us walk the plank

AnElephantCant say it more clearly
Some places you just feel at home in
If scenery is your thing
Then let your soul sing
On the bonnie bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond



Saturday, 9 June 2012

Forest Bumps

On the recent news that orang-utans are highly skilled engineers:

AnElephantCant find a rhyme for orang-utan
Or even Old Man of the Jungle
There is nothing worse
When writing a verse
To discover you have begun with a bungle
AnElephantCant deny that these animals
Are clearly much smarter than people
High in the tree tops
They build a cradle that rocks
These structures are quite unbelievable
Orang-utans use thick branches as scaffold
Interwoven with boughs that are springier
To ensure a good rest
Fine leaves line the nests
We have lived in hotels that were dingier
They build a new nest every evening
And sometimes one for an afternoon nap
100 feet above ground
A long way to fall down
We are sure that they do Mind the Gap
Young adults build nests just for practice
But here is one fact that we find quite funny
You may think they are cute
Although somewhat hirsute
But for eight years they stay at home with their mummy
Orang-utans are natural builders
Like Scots they are great engineers
An idea takes shape
We ask these great apes
Could they build some new houses near here?

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Eurovision Song Snoozefest

AnElephantCant knock Engelbert Humperdinck
Because our mum was a bit of a fan
We don’t think he can sing
But that is not the main thing
Mum found him a handsome and quite charming man

He is going to win EuroVision
The Song Contest that nobody watches
If you tune in you find
You go out of your mind
And your ears become covered in blotches

We are not planning to be overcritical
We will not list this old crooner’s faults
But we strongly exhort
That he keeps his song short
Not like the dreary interminable mind-numbingly tedious repetitive boring Last Waltz

He made his fortune performing in Vegas
Reducing blue rinses to tears
He owes his great fame
To his quite silly name
And no hit song in the last 40 years

He has entertained old dearies for decades
So this Elephant does not want to be beastly
But old Hump should retire
In a chair by the fire
And burn the dreary interminable mind-numbingly tedious repetitive boring Release Me

Now we have been told that our rhyme is unfriendly
And that we must attach an addendum
Engie sings marvellous songs
He rights the world’s wrongs
We apologise sincerely to AnElephant’s Mum

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

I spy with my little eye

AnElephantCant keep a secret
We have discovered Mrs Ellie is a spy
Not double-oh seven
She is more legs eleven
AnElephant is happy that he is her guy

She has long had a wee crush on Sean Connery
But then again what woman does not
We have to admit
We are jealous a bit
He is apparently the world’s handsomest Scot

She always says she is a Civil Servant
Although civility is not her strong suit
She comes from Glasgow
Where as all Doctors know
You learn kung fu if you plan to stay cute

As a femme fatale she is well qualified
She has those alluring good looks
We try not to rile her
Cos when she gets hostiler
She makes brave men turn whiter than Spooks

We ask if she ever gets violent
She tells us it is quite arbitrary
Disdaining strong arm
She prefers to use charm
Less Dirty and more Mata Hari

AnElephantCant claim he is courageous
But he knows Mrs E is quite bold
If he gets a fright
On a bleak wintry night
He wants her to come in from the cold

Although she really is quite easy going
Here is something you should quickly learn
That if you upset her
She will draw her Beretta
And make you wish you had never been Bourne

There are dozens of great secret agents
Our Man Flint George Smiley Jack Bauer
Get Smart and Matt Helm
But the superest of them
Is Mrs Elephant with her trunkful of Powers

She has skills that would make your eyes water
So we try very hard to ca’ canny*
She knows nine martial arts
And she is quite good at darts
And she can disguise herself as your granny

Now we ask you to please keep our secret
Because that is one thing she has often said
She gives us fair warning
We will wake up one morning
To discover we are already dead

* ca’ canny = be careful

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Cardross on the Clyde

AnElephantCant hide his pure pleasure
In Scotland in springtime in sun
The bright blue the fresh green the blossom
And no one with an elephant gun

Last evening he wandered through Cardross
With his buddy Big Rab by his side
Admiring the trees in the churchyard
In that bonnie wee town on the Clyde

Thursday, 26 April 2012

road less travelled

AnElephantCant say we’re great walkers
But we are a bit of a squeeze in a car
We are not built for a bike
So when we have to hike
We prefer a short stroll to going too far

A campaign by the Living Streets charity
Wants to get us all stretching our legs
We have to admit
We are not awfully fit
We don’t usually go further than Greggs

We quite like to meander or amble
We don’t often canter or trot
A leopard can lope
As can an antelope
But we assure you AnElephantCannot

When we go for a dauner or perambulation
We have to remember which roads we have crossed
We find one-way streets
Confuse some of our feet
We are embarrassed to admit we get lost

When our promenade leads to a bifurcation
We confess we can sometimes be baffled
We have a solution
To our state of confusion
We know the difference is to take the road less travelled

dauner – Scots for saunter
Greggs – a chain of retail bakers

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Queen's Park Sesquicentenary Year

AnElephantCant do poetic justice
To Glasgow’s Queen’s Park in the spring
The pond has tadpoles
And from the flagpole
We see flowers and hear the birds sing

 The park celebrates its sesquicentenary
This year with a host of events
A much loved space
This dear green place
Deserves to get millions of presents
 When it opened Abe Lincoln was president
Alice in Wonderland was being penned
Which just goes to show
It was a long time ago
The US Civil War was still far from its end

There are fewer dragons and mammoths in the trees now
Because my young leader will quite soon be seven
But laser beams and stun guns
Means we can still have fun
In the dens in the bushes in our heaven
Our sticks which once shot sabre-dino-dragons
Are re-commissioned with extraordinary functions
They have magical power
Making super baddies cower
While we blitz them without the slightest compunction

We play tennis and putting each Monday
Joints and bones are starting to creak
He climbs swings and larks
Around the play park
While this old dude feels like an antique
There are areas which are wild and unspoilt
Where we run free without any plan
We jump over logs
Sing Teddy Bear and Hound Dog
Yep my best friend is a cool Elvis fan
When I am puffed out we go to the rose gardens
Which commemorates some of Scotland’s great poets
While I try to relax
He plans more attacks
And we are off again before you know it

At the end of the day we get ice cream
That’s our reward for being good as gold
With a tub or a cone
We meander back home
Through Queen’s Park which is 150 years old